Blasto2 World of Warships Journal
by CuttySark
Summary: A collection of my notable games in World of Warships, with a Kancolle-esque universe.
1. Comrades in Arms

**A/N: I can't be the only one that speak to my ship during battle, right?**

 **...**

 **Right?**

* * *

The moment you clicked that random battle button, you had given your life for the next fifteen minutes or so to the unforgiving hands of the RNGoddess.

By the time the map was loaded, your fate had already been decided. You had no control over your team. You would either win so easily that it's not funny, get ROFL stomped, or one player would have to super-carry a team of potatoes into victory. In any way, nine out of ten the battle would always be a landslide, whether the result ended in your favor or not.

But one out of ten, a miracle would happen. whether it's due to timezone coincidence or pure luck, the RNG somehow managed to gather 24 players of similar skills and minds, where the battleships were all WASD experts and the cruisers were brave and loyal, and the destroyers were not selfish, egoistic jackasses. If that happened, then you're in for a truly epic battle.

Blasto2 of the North American server was just your average, 51 percent win rate player, although he would like to say that he had acquired a degree of expertise on American destroyers and battleships and that his abysmal win rate was merely due to the fact that he played dozens of games a day. One night he found himself in the Two Brothers map, the one where you could immediately see which team had the biggest amount of idiots simply by looking at the central channel.

Nobody went into the central channel.

"That's a good omen, don't you think so, m'lady?"

"Do not be too quick to judge. The game has just begun." said New Mexico to her suspiciously submissive master, who was perching on top of her head inside the bridge of her rigging. Befitting of her nickname 'The Queen', New Mexico was wearing a long purple dress that was aesthetically royal, at least for an American.

"Thanks for the new dress, by the way."

"Oh, no, no. Thank WG for that. Got that for free in the last update."

"Hmm..."

Blasto turned his attention to another fairy onboard.

"Captain Oakley, what do you think of this game?"

"A standard battle, sir. So I reckon that both teams would try to play defensively in the first few minutes." analyzed Richard Oakley, an eight point captain focusing on damage management.

 _DING!_

A bell that signaled the start of the battle was sounded.

"Left or right?" asked New Mexico to her master.

"Let's see what the rest of our team are doing."

"Sir, I think it's a lemming train, sir." observed Oakley.

Blasto looked at the minimap, and indeed, most of his team were going left, leaving only two destroyers going right.

"A Benson and a Fubuki. Good enough for area denial at least. with a single battleship in tow, they might be able to hold the flank until the lemming train is through. Alright friends! Hard to starboard!"

"Hard to starboard sir!"

After a minute of gameplay, an enemy Fuso was suddenly detected.

"Master, should I launch the spotter plane?" asked New Mexico.

A sniper duel at +20km against a Fuso in a New Mexico? Not ideal, but it's better than doing nothing. They'd soon be in detection range anyway, so this was a chance for them to use the element of surprise. Also, Blasto saw a couple of broadsiding cruisers sailing together with the Fuso, a very alluring opportunity.

"Launch the plane." ordered Blasto.

"Spotter plane away!" announced New Mexico. They had plenty of planes and fuel due to Oakley's Superintendent skill, so nothing was lost from launching one that early into the game.

New Mexico was detected before Blasto was ready to fire.

"Incoming!" shouted New Mexico.

"ANGLE! ANGLE! ANGLE!" Blasto ordered in panic, blasting the A key on his keyboard.

Twelve fourteen-inch shells hit New Mexico head on, causing two hundred point damage.

"Damage report." asked Blasto, still trying to control his breath.

"Some bounces and overpenetrations, sir." reported Oakley.

"Prepare to return fire. One turret. Reserve nine guns to fire at the cruisers."

"Firing!"

New Mexico let go of three fourteen-inch shells, the first three of the one hundred and fifty plus that she'd be firing in this game.

 _CLANK_

"A...citadel?" said New Mexico, surprised.

"PRAISE BE THE RNGODDESS!" prayed Oakley.

"Praise her be!" shouted Blasto in full agreement.

But apparently, that three shots ate up a lot of their luck, since right after the Fuso cleared the island, something unfortunate happened. Another battleship followed the Fuso, then another, then another...

Oh, and also there were dive bombers from the enemy Shoukaku.

"Two squadrons of dive bombers! A Bayern! A Colorado! and a North Carolina! and I think the Fuso is still aiming at us!" shouted New Mexico.

Blasto slammed onto his keyboard, asking the friendly Lexington for help.

"AA PLZ HOLY SHIT"

Answering his distress call, the Lexington sent out a squadron of fighters, and a Cleveland suddenly came out of nowhere, her AA cooldown blazing. Also, the Benson turned back after releasing her torpedoes, adding her meager AA to the barrage. Blasto's heart was moved.

"Good souls!" Blasto typed. The Cleveland gave her thumbs up.

Then the enemy battleships reached into range, and the Cleveland was suddenly deleted. She looked more irritated than sad as she got blown off the map, however.

"No! She was so young!" cried Blasto. "You BASTARDS!"

Blasto and his loyal crew returned fire, but the enemy Myoko, Cleveland, and Atago started spamming HE, setting New Mexico ablaze.

"Master. I am somewhat on fire."

"SHIT!"

Blasto steered New Mexico aground on a small island, cowering from the flamethrowing cruisers.

"THIS IS NOT COWERING! THIS IS THREAT MANAGEMENT!" said Blasto as dozens of HE shells rained upon the island in front of New Mexico.

"Sir! who are you talking to!?"

"Nobody! Activate the damage control and the repair party! And open fire at that Fuso!"

At the moment, only the Fuso was able to fire at Blasto's New Mexico, wich turned things into a slightly more even battle.

"Missed! not enough lead!" said Oakley.

"You aim is somewhat terrible today, Master. She was quite close."

Blasto decided that it was a bad decision to start experimenting with the crosshair right before this battle.

"I think the North Carolina is trying to flank us, sir."

Blasto right clicked and hold to get out of the scope mode and checked his surrounding, and indeed, in an attempt to give the broadsiding Fuso a full complement of New Mexico's guns, Blasto had accidentally overexposed himself and his crew to nine sixteen-inch guns at a very close range.

"Shit."

And then, the Benson came back, smoke blowing out of her smokestacks. Heroic theme was playing inside Blasto's head as the Benson saved him from a certain death.

"We cannot take firepower of this magnitude!" shouted the Benson as she launched torpedoes at the North Carolina, flooding her in a series of underwater explosions. "We need to retreat!"

"Master! if we retreat the enemy will have a clear run towards our base!"

Blasto checked his minimap. The rest of his team appeared to be experiencing the exact opposite problem as he was. A big number of ships were being held back by a small number of brave defenders.

"LEFT PUSH WTF." Blasto typed.

"HANG ON PLOX." said an Ognevoi in the other side of the islands, one that already had three kills. "We ll mop em. hld n."

"Then we will hold!" said an over eager Fubuki, somehow engaging in an even battle against a Kiev.

"FUCK EVERYTHING."

For about ten minutes Blasto's New Mexico and two destroyers held a single square on the map, with the destroyers playing a crucial role in turning the enemy battleships away with their torpedoes, forcing them to give their broadside to New Mexico's guns which were constantly firing from the safety of smokes.

"UNFAIR PLANE HE KEMP SMOK." Shouted the enemy Atago while reporting Blasto for misbehavior.

In the confusion, Blasto managed to make two consecutive citadel hits to the enemy Myoko and Cleveland. But the enemy cruisers were no fool, those two hits were the only two damaging hits that Blasto managed to take from them, as they rarely exposed their broadside. Meanwhile, their HE spam kept New Mexico on fire.

"Master, I appear to be on fire. Again."

"Oakley!"

"Damage control on cooldown, sir! And we almost run out of repair parties!"

There was good news, however. At some point, the enemy North Carolina, Bayern, and Fuso were taken out by the combination of New Mexico's guns and the torpedoes from the Lexington and the destroyers, leaving the Colorado as the only remaining enemy battleship that was firing at Blasto's new Mexico. But then the Fubuki exploded and Blasto's heart fell again.

"WE HERE RUN M8." shouted the Ognevoi as she started taking points from the enemy base.

"Go! I'll cover you!" shouted the Benson as she finished off the Kiev. She let out smoke, which Blasto immediately took a full advantage of.

On the retreat, Blasto was met by a friendly North Carolina.

"Sorry I'm late. Is the party over?" said the NC.

Blasto looked at the minimap. The enemy seemed to be retreating to defend their flag.

"NC, follow me!" said the Benson. "We'll strike 'em at the flank, New Mex, you go middle."

Late in the battle, going down the middle of the Two Brothers map was actually a very sound strategy. Especially when you're in a slow ship such as the New Mexico.

"Roger that."

On their way to the middle, Blasto ordered New Mexico to launch another spotter plane and let go a few potshots towards the retreating enemy. But soon the island started obscuring her guns.

As Blasto slowly sailed the middle channel, most of his team were engaged in yet another epic skirmish just a few kilometers in front of him.

"DAm, these guys good." said a friendly Scharnhorst as she was rammed to death by the enemy Atago in a mutual kill.

Blasto looked around him, and noticed that every ship without exception was at very, very low health. Blasto's team had one ship advantage after the Ognevoi took out the enemy Shoukaku, but the battle could still go either way.

"Keep our point advantage!" said the Benson. "Stay alive!"

And then a friendly Cleveland got taken out by the Colorado, but Blasto's team still held the point advantage due to camping the enemy base.

"RUN AWAY!111" screamed somebody, and Blasto suddenly faced with three friendly low health cruisers retreating down the channel, being fired upon by a Cleveland, a Myoko, and another Cleveland supported by long-range fire from the Colorado.

"Hide behind me!" shouted New Mexico heroically as the enemy attention suddenly turned on her, setting her on fire again.

"OI COCK OFF!" shouted Blasto to his enemies.

"lul" responded one of the enemy Clevelands. New Mexico immediately fired and sunk her, her only actual kill in this battle.

"Sir! We're out of repair!" shouted Oakley.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" Blasto shouted in the all-chat, and then immediately steered his New Mexico to port, putting a bit of the western island between his ships and the enemy cruisers. New Mexico cringed as the Myoko's torpedoes sailed just by the right of her, scraping her paint.

The Myoko decided to engage the rest of Blasto's team, but the last Cleveland and the Colorado still insisted on firing at Blasto's New Mexico. New Mexico angled her armor to the Colorado, while the Cleveland's shells, fired mortar-style over two islands, kept setting her on fire.

Blasto knew that his luck had run out.

"It's been a good run." said Oakley.

"I shall meet you in port, master." said New Mexico contently.

Blasto sighed, and as eight sixteen-inch shells were marching towards him, Blasto reached for his keyboard for the last time in this battle and typed the sacred letter.

"GG"

 **BLAAAM**

* * *

 **A/N: So iI ended up second in my team with 90k damage, right below that Ognevoi. The Colorado was the last enemy ship to go down, after she dueled our North Carolina one on one.  
**


	2. You Don't See That Everyday

"ONWARD COMRADES! FOR THE MOTHERLAND THAT WE WILL NEVER TOUCH!" shouted Blasto in his best Russian accent.

"URA!" answered Kiev full of vigor.

Blasto was never one to remember map names. The map this time had an arctic feel to it, with a line of islands strewn vertically at the middle of the map.

"Dear Kapitan! what do you think!?"

"Domination battle, Tovarich! We shall take the flanks first!" said Zhukov, a twelve point captain focusing on setting the enemy ablaze with long range firepower.

"TO B!" shouted a Fletcher suddenly.

"STUPID AMERIKANSKII!" cursed Zhukov.

Blasto watched in horror as all his team followed the Fletcher to the middle of the map, open for flanking shots from both sides.

"Oh, for Gulag's sake!" shouted Blasto. "speed boost on! Keep 'em alive until they find their brains!"

Kiev immediately took her pill of Russian bias and sped up to 47 knots (?!), and immediately caught the Fletcher in B. She then laid wide smoke between two islands, covering most of her team.

...which they proceeded to not use. Instead, nine ships on Blasto's team, including three tier nine battleships, were cowering behind a very small island. Meanwhile, Kiev was taking a battering from the enemy Tashkent and Iowa.

"Traitor!" shouted Kiev.

"Screw it. this team a lost."

Being a scrub that he was, Blasto decided to end the game as quick as possible.

"To A, comrades."

"Master! we have an eastern fascist destroyer backed up by a capitalist cruiser in A!" shouted Kiev.

"I know." said Blasto.

Kiev smiled. "I like you, master!"

"Death! and glory!" shouted Zhukov.

They immediately break off from the rest of their fleet and went to their suicide run in A. Due to Kiev's target acquisition upgrade, she could immediately spot the Shiratsuyu torpedoes.

"HA! EASY! YOU SQUINTY MONKEY!" mocked Kiev as she easily dodged the torpedoes.

"DO NOT GO COMPLACENT! IT WAS ONLY THREE TORPEDOES!" shouted Blasto. A Shiratsuyu generally would have a lot more. "REVERSE!"

Kiev quickly slowed down behind an island, letting another three torpedoes went past just a mere inches in front of her. But she was still too fast that she accidentally cleared the island, right in front of the guns of the enemy Pensacola.

"SMOKE!" ordered Blasto.

"Last one, tovarich!" reported Zhukov as Kiev released her smoke.

And then the enemy Essex sent her torpedo bombers, ready to flush Kiev right out of her cover.

"Aw, fuck. Speed boost! get out of here!"

"Last speed boost, Tovarich!"

At this point, Blasto wished that she had chosen Superintendent instead of Survivability Expert.

And suddenly, like guardian angels, the fighters from the friendly Taiho came in, shaking the pilots of the Essex's bombers and messing up their aim, saving Blasto and her crew in the process.

"Ha! not bad for a fascist!" said Kiev.

"We shall not waste this opportunity! ENGAGE!" ordered Blasto, and Kiev complied.

Kiev immediately went around the island to hunt for the Shiratsuyu, while the Pensacola was on the other side of the island trying to flank Blasto's Kiev, only to end up obscuring her own guns. Kiev went out from her smoke just as Shiratsuyu's torpedoes went in, passing just behind her rudder.

"POI THIS YOU ASIAN DOG!" shouted Kiev as she pointed her bow towards the Shiratsuyu, avoiding yet another set of torpedoes. With two third of Kiev's guns located in front of her, she could afford to keep going bow on, giving the Shiratsuyu a lot smaller profile to shoot at. The Shiratsuyu tried smoking up, but Kiev got her first.

"HA!"

"Kiev, load the Stalinium! we still have that capitalist pig to take care of!" shouted Blasto.

"Switching to AP!" said Kiev as she took cover inside of the Shiratsuyu's premature smoke. She started firing at the Pensacola's waterline and scoring numerous citadels, but the Taiho finished the Pensacola off with torpedoes before Kiev could.

Blasto was about to protest when squadrons of enemy dive bombers approached.

"OH SHIT HEEELP!" Blasto spammed the F7 and the F8 keys on his keyboard.

"Fighters out of ammo, sorry."

"FUUUUUCK"

Kiev managed to capture A, but then...

 **BLAAAM**

...and that was the end of Blasto in this game, but the excitement had just begun.

"I think I'll spectate for a bit. My team's apparently not as suck as they first appeared to be." said Blasto, as the enemy went one by one inside the concentrated fire of most of his team's ships. "either that or the enemy team just suck better."

"Well, I'll wait in port then, master."

"I shall have her combat ready in no time, friend."

As his Kiev slowly went to the bottom, Blasto moved to bird-eye view. most of the enemy team had already been annihilated, leaving the Essex alone. His team was winning by point, so all they need to do was wait. Feeling save, the Taiho felt like stretching her legs and sailed to A.

And then the enemy Essex was spotted, charging into A passing the Kiev's corpse, and then something weird happened.

A close range, CV secondary duel.

the Taiho started opening up with her five-inch guns, and so did the Essex. The rest of the Taiho's team, just as unbelieving towards what was happening as Blasto surely was, chose to not help the Taiho but instead simply to watch in fascination. some even started cheering.

Like most American CV, Essex was quite well endowed, and it seemed to anger the Taiho greatly.

"Take this, you questionably sentient piece of cow udders!" screamed Taiho as she set the Essex ablaze.

"Take this, you lethal farting pedophile bait!" the Essex screamed back.

"W...why you..?!"

The battle between the two carriers seemed rather even, until a Fletcher suddenly opened fire at the Essex.

"Oi! I was watching them!" protested an Iowa.

"But I want the damage!" answered the Fletcher.

"You're a dick, Fletcher!" said a Mogami.

"UNINSTALL PLZ" said a New Orleans.

"I still have my 200 percent xp bonus for the day!" said Fletcher, still trying to justify herself as she torpedoed the Essex.

The game ended with the Essex spouting expletives as she went to the bottom.

* * *

 **A/N. So that was just now. Also, why's the water in my port green now? And why is everyone speaking with a weird British accent?**

 **PS: Carriers were overnerfed.**

 **Edit: My brain derped out and replaced Essex with Lexington. I think I've edited them all out.**


	3. Lone Wolf Iowa

"Uh, sir? We appear to be separating from the rest of the team." said Iowa, concerned.

"I know." said Blasto, obviously tired.

"All of our ships are going east, we're the only one going west to the A point. Are you planning to cap in a battleship?"

"No, I just need to get a single kill to finish today's mission."

"You really want Gangut in your port, huh?" said Iowa, sounding a bit jealous

"Aye."

"So why using me for such a suicidal tactic? You're going to lose money, you know."

"Why, it is because you're my favorite ship in the game by far, of course."

"T...thanks...I guess..." said Iowa, blushing.

"Of course, Kongou provides the credits necessary for you to actually sail, so make sure to thank her too."

"O...okay..." Iowa said, blushing even harder.

Iowa and her captain finally reached the A point. To their surprise, there's no enemy in sight.

"Huh, I'm actually capping in a battleship. That's rare." said Blasto, smiling as the Point Capture ribbon appeared and gave him a massive boost in XP and credits.

"Sir, a Roon and a Hood are coming from the north."

"That's it?"

"Apparently."

Positioning Iowa behind an island in the middle of the cap, Blasto began his valiant defense, completely expecting death by enemy reinforcement. But they never came. Instead, Iowa reache 50k damage in less than a minute and the Hood and Roon began retreating...into a storm. Visual range reduced to only 8 KM.

Iowa's 21KM range was completely useless.

"Ukh...can't see anything..." Iowa protested. "If only Mo is here..."

"Hey, I don't have the money, alright?

Iowa began her chase into the enemy territory, but for almost ten minutes she sailed alone, unable to see neither a friend nor foe. Until she finally encountered an enemy Amagi very close to the enemy spawn point, facing what was probably the rest of Blasto's team.

"Iowa, she did not realize we're here. Prepare the surprise buttsex."

"A...aiming the shots." Iowa said, completely embarassed by her captain.

 **BANG!**

The Amagi took massive damage. Now realizing her aft is in danger, the Amagi made a hard turn to port, firing as she tried to hide behind an island. Her shells bounced against Iowa's highly sloped...uh...frontal armor.

"Ouch! You'll pay for that!" Iowa shouted angrily. Blasto quickly steered her into an intercept course, towards the other side of the island.

Suddenly, an enemy Essex was spotted, alone and vulnerable.

"Oh shit. Load the HE." Blasto ordered.

Then the Amagi reappeared.

"S..sir! Order please!"

"Uuh...iney-miney...SHOOT THE AMAGI!"

BANG!

The Amagi was dead.

BANG!

The Essex was dead.

Then, before Blasto could even think of doing anything else, the battle was over.

When the result screen appeared, Blasto raised his brows.

"So, I went for a suicide run..."

"I spent half the game lost in heavy rain, doing nothing, never once seeing the bow of a friendly ship."

"Yet I'm still number one in my team, which had somehow won the game."

"How the fuck did that happen?"


	4. For a Friend

**A/N: I'm taking some artistic liberty in depicting this particular match.**

 **xxx**

"I'll escort the carrier. Good hunting." said someone in a V-170, a German destroyer with an AA score of...5. Out of 100. Then he proceeded to tail the carrier so closely to the edge of the map that Blasto was worried that the Langley might sue the poor noob.

Talking about the edge of the map, there's also an AFK Svietlana hugging the border at the very back.

"Tits." Blasto cursed in his best southern England accent, which wasn't much and would probably resulting in him being punched by an offended Londoner if he ever spoke it in public. "That's two out of the game before we even start."

"It appears that we need to, as they say, carry the game?" said Iron Duke, her voice heavy and full of fire. Literally. Fire that'd make the Welsh flag jealous was coming out of her mouth. She's really eager to burn shit, so to say.

Blasto examined the team composition. Mostly tier 4, which was very good. This meant that he was basically riding on an improved Orion, without any tier 6 nor 7 to ruin his seal clubbing.

"Doable." said Blasto. "Let's see if we can summon the Kraken."

Blasto had for a long time thought that Kraken came suspiciously easy whenever he was in a British battleship.

"ONWARDS!" Shouted Iron Duke, charging along the team's left wing.

The first enemy they encountered was a Wyoming. Said Wyoming was quickly set on fire.

"AHAHAHAHAHA! BURN! BURN!" Iron Duke shouted. Blasto wondered if all of the British battleships would be speaking like that.

It felt like a blur. Blasto kept aiming and shooting, and Iron Duke kept tanking damage like nobody's business. Blasto never could remember map names, but this map had many islands, enough for Iron Duke to isolate a single ship and then proceeded to overwhelm her damage control.

The Wyoming quickly died, followed by another Iron Duke-class battleship (Later, sister!). A sneaky Giulio Cesare put some shells into Iron Duke's side, but the old Jutland veteran laughed it off and started to slowly and methodically burn the Italian skank to death.

"We never used AP. I feel guilty." said Blasto.

"All are fair in love and war."

Apparently British people liked to cheat.

Alarm sounded as Iron Duke's secondary battery lit up automatically.

"OH! FUCK ME IN MY PROVERBIAL BOLLOCKS!" shouted Iron Duke.

Blasto and his ship had just been jumped by three destroyers.

"ENGAGE THE TORPEDOBEAT!" Blasto shouted.

And then, Iron Duke began dancing. It was neither graceful nor elegant. Her rudders shaking left and right to swing her massive (but beautiful) ass around to dodge multiple torpedoes.

"FUCK THIS!" Iron Duke screamed in rage.

With her secondary aiming at three different directions, Iron Duke began unleashing High Explosives left and right. But mostly to the right because her turrets were slower than a drunken snail.

One DD tried to hide behind an island, but Iron Duke lobbed a salvo in an extreme arc and nailed the poor little girl right by the side.

Another got taken by an unexpected secondary shell.

Iron Duke began charging the last DD, who had accidentally beached herself.

"Hey, that name sound familiar." the captain of the beached Isokaze called. "Oh! You're the person that wrote that journal story on ! I love your story, ma-"

BLAM

BLAM (again.)

"Well, shit." Iron Duke said as she began sinking from the torpedo holes.

"We got a little bit too close there...ah well, mutual kill is still a kill. We got the Kraken, at least.."

"I'll see you at port, then, master."

"Sure. I want to check the rest of this match."

There were only three ships left in the match. An enemy carrier and the two idiots we had mentioned at the start. Blasto had fully expected a loss, but then Blasto was reminded that he was too a noob once.

The V-170 charged, dodging planes and bombs, capping the epicenter, and then proceeded to ambush an aircraft carrier behind an island.

Blasto ended up depleting all of his daily compliments in that single battle.


	5. Cleveland Doesn't Give a

Cleveland didn't give a shit.

So what if she'd been nerfed to hell since the very beginning?

So what if there's powercreep, with fairy tale ships such as the Budyonny being crowned the best tier 6 cruiser? Cleveland didn't care. The only feeling she had was a slight pang of pity towards the poor Aoba.

Soon she would be up-tiered, and she would be facing Yamatos, Musashis, 6-inch Mogamis, and a bunch of twelve-guns battleships, yet she's still sure that she would continue to not give a shit.

The power that be had tried to undermine her, yet it only served to make her stronger.

Her gun arc, her supposed weakness, was now her strength.

Numerous times she had faced a Kutuzov, the very symbol of the desperation of the Russian people to cling to their cold-war glory. To such extent was their lack of self-confidence that they had to put such a modern ship at tier 8, below even the Baltimore, completely oblivious to the implication that their navy was such a mess that their post-war cruiser was deemed inferior to the old American workhorse.

Our old Cleveland could only laugh as their prized 'railguns' desperately pummeled the island in front of her, as her own guns kept on firing like a rainbow, teaching them the futility of the communist cause.

Today she's sailing the Two Brothers map, spawning from the south and going east where there were a lot of flat, low islands.

Her blonde hair was flowing in accord with her white capelet. The wind blew under her blue shirt, temporarily exposing her stomach.

She smiled and put on her pixelated sunglasses. Her enemies would burn very brightly.

Her captain said; Load the IFHE, just as a formality. Cleveland always had IFHE loaded.

Her team was split evenly between the east and the west, but the enemy team apparently had decided to lemming train.

Right towards her.

"We are surrounded!" shouted a Scharnhorst.

"Target-rich environment!" Cleveland shouted back, correcting the noob.

It was target practice.

Fifteen minutes later, the battle was over, and Cleveland and her captain gleefully looked at the result screen.

Victory.

Five Kills.

Kraken.

90k Damage dealt.

And best of all?

Damage taken: Zero.

How?

Because she's the motherfucking Cleveland, that's how.


	6. Faith in Humanity Restored

"Oh, great, we have an AFK." Fletcher complained, exasperatedly sweeping her long blond hair.

Behind her next to the map border, a Z-52 was standing still on the water, her white hair and black-red uniform being the only thing of her that were moving.

"And a top tier, too!"

On Fletcher's hat, Blasto in his fairy form was looking at the ship line-up.

"We have only the Gearing and the Akizuki to worry about in term of gunboats." he said to his ship.

"Still, I'd be outgunned five guns to fourteen." Fletcher complained as she sailed towards the A cap, at the western edge of the map.

Blasto strained his mind. Fletcher was an excellent ship. His absolute favorite, in fact. Back when the game released he immediately rushed up the tech tree to her, mostly in honor of the Taffy 3. Ever since then she had proven to be mostly immune to the nerf-wave and power creep that had been striking many of the 'original' ships.

Still, the odd was bad.

"Wait, she's moving!"

Blasto looked back, and the German destroyer had indeed, started to move.

"Sorry." The captain of the Z-52 apologized. "My daughter woke up."

"How old?"

Blasto had no idea why he suddenly asked that.

"Three month."

"Oh, a new father? Congratulate him for me, sir!" Fletcher shouted in joy, but of course Blasto was the only one that could hear.

However Blasto could not manage to be the first to give his congratulation.

"Congratulation."

"Good luck!"

"Bless you!"

The chat began to erupt in cheers and commendations, Blasto's own among them.

"Where to, daddy?" Blasto asked.

"I think I'm going B." said the German captain.

B was in the middle of the map, a very strategic location. If the team could secure that point then the enemy would be forced to come to them, making for easy pickings.

"Raising a kid can be rather stressful, so I've heard." said Fletcher. "Let's make sure he has a fun and successful game!"

"Roger that."

Blasto immediately commanded Fletcher to change direction, closer to the Z-52.

"Thanks." said the new dad.

"Danke." said the German destroyer, smiling widely.

"No problem!" shouted Fletcher.

The two destroyers entered the capture zone. It took barely a second before their capture was contested.

"I am detected!" shouted Fletcher.

"Akizuki!" shouted Z-52.

"Smoke!" commanded Blasto, practically blasting the T key.

Akizuki and Fletcher break smoke almost exactly at the same time.

"Shit! Watch for torpedoes!" Blasto shouted.

"Hydro!" said the new dad.

"Hydro up!" said his German destroyer.

Z-52 charged forward, revealing the Akizuki. Fletcher quickly opened fire from the safety of her smoke, melting the Akizuki.

"Gearing!" shouted Z-52.

"Open fire! Open fire!" screamed Blasto.

"What do you think I've been doing for the last 40 seconds!?" protested Fletcher.

The Gearing, realizing too late that the Akizuki had already dead and that he had no support, quickly melted.

"Yuugumo!" shouted Z-52 again.

" **KIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLL!"** Fletcher raged, and the poor Japanese exploded.

The entire destroyer force of the enemy was wiped out in a minute. Without any DD, the enemy team quickly crumbled.

Blasto and the new dad spent the last few minutes of the match trading in-game compliments.


	7. Pensacola Needs the Love (very short)

"I love my Pensa." said Blasto.

"S-sir! You're in all-chat!" Pensacola blushed, covering her face with her long curly brown hair.

"What, you a fucking masochist m8?" said someone in the red team.

"No, no. She's absolutely fine. She's fair." said Blasto. "She'll punish you if you mess up, and reward you when you do well."

"So she's a good mistress. So what? She's still a floating citadel."

"Yes, but she's a citadel that I can protect, and her firing angle is great. I'd say the Myoko is de-facto easiest to citadel cruiser in the game. Her broadside is always open."

"Hey!" Screamed a Myoko somewhere.

"I feel like I can trust her. If I actually aim correctly, her guns will never betray me."

"Oh damn." said John Doe, Pensacola's captain. "Get a room."

"Uuuu~" Pensacola whimpered, her face obviously saying that she would like to sink then and there.

"Enemy Myoko and two destroyers contesting cap." said Blasto.

"We have an Akatsuki with us, and a Cesare staggering way back." Observed John Doe.

"Load the AP. We'll challenge the Myoko, Oh, and get the hydro on."

"AP loaded."

"Eek! Not that fast, please!"

John Doe was really proud of his ability to load shells in three seconds.

The Myoko saw the Pensacola and smiled, turning her entire hull to point all of her guns towards the infamously fragile ship. She fired AP…

...and all of her shells bounced, having been juked by Pensacola's excellent rudder shift and turn radius.

"Open fire." Blasto said calmly, and the Myoko exploded from quadruple citadels.

"I-I did it!" shouted Pensacola happily.

"I knew you could." said Blasto. "Ignore all of the naysayers. You are not any worse than any other ships. Not even the brit."

"Ah." Pensacola flustered, playing with her skirt. "Thanks."

"Can I start shooting at the DD?" asked John Doe.

"How about it, my girl?"

"Y-yes!" screamed Pensacola, her voice confident. "I can do it!"


	8. Battleship Leading the Charge

At this point, it was basically expected for battleships to simply wait at the back, near the border of the map, and basically being useless the entire game.

But sometimes miracles happened.

"CHAAAAARGE!" Richelieu yelled, black smoke signalling the use of a speed boost. That yell completely caught Blasto, who'd been trying to find the best approach to enter the destroyer-infected cap, by complete surprise as the big-ass battleship raced straight past him and his Pensacola and right towards an enemy smokescreen.

"Oh dear she just went in." quoted Benson in horror.

"We need to help! Chaarge!" Screamed Blasto.

"S-sir! My armor is only three inch!" screamed Pensacola in abject terror.

"Whatever! Activate hydro and smoke that enemy Akatsuki!"

"Ohohoho!" Said Musashi, suddenly engaging full throttle. "Now this is interesting!"

" **Bliitzkrieeeeg!"** shouted a German DD (because like hell I'd remember those numerical 'names').

"It's the lemming PAINTRAIN, MOTHERFUCKERS!" taunted Richelieu, leading the charge at incredible speed, with Pensacola barely able to keep up.

"What the?!"

Enemy Akatsuki managed a short curse before being blown straight out of the water. The remain of her smoke quickly cleared out, revealing…

...half of the enemy team, right in front of the Richelieu.

Blasto could not quite remember what happened in the next 50 seconds. He only knew that the entire group never actually slowed down for that 50 seconds.

At some point, however, the fight had turned into a four against three in favor of his team. Richelieu was sunk, so was Eugen that joined late in the charge, but now the rest were only facing three ships; Algerie, Ranger, and Roma.

Pensacola focused her guns on the enemy French cruiser while the Musashi started whittling away at the Italian battleship. Under the cover of the destroyers' smoke, Pensa could afford to concentrate killing the cruiser before finally moving to the enemy carrier, completely safe from repercussion.

Soon the enemy Roma ran out of friends, leaving her alone facing the barrage of lolpen cannons, high explosives, and relentless insults regarding her special camo.

"HEY, ROMA! What's that on your head!?"

"It's a pizza dispenser!"

"It's a toilet!"

"She's giving birth to R2-D2's retarded brother!"

And with that last insult, Roma exploded.


End file.
